There is a secret battle that is going on in the heart of a wife. One that is gut wrenching,heartbreaking and silent. The battle involves someone that has access to the most intimate parts of her and revealing it would somehow unveil a reflection of herself. It is a scary place to be and is full of uncertainty, judgement, shame, and guilt. Unfortunately, not a whole lot of support and healing are offered. It is the battle that rages within when you are a wife of a husband addicted to lust and pornography.
The darkness he carries is suddenly shifted to you as his wife leaving you surrounded by darkness,carrying that burden and being ruled by fear. I am that wife. This has become my story, my journey, and my secret battle since the day I said “I Do”.
This battle of pornography, lust, and fantasy, is one that to this day has to be fought and one that has not been defeated. The impact of the fight is continually strengthening and molding my marriage as we lean into the One who calls darkness into the light and lean into each other to be fully known.
Since my husbands addiction was brought into the light it no longer became his battle, it became mine. It now takes BOTH of us to fight it. To strive for the marriage God has for us. I remember early on how scared I was to see where this addiction had taken captive the man I thought I knew completely and how it had falsely shaped him as a man.
8 years later we are still fighting but I am seeing the restoration God promises and my husband is no longer being shaped by the lies that held him captive. We have experienced true intimacy that has also led me to unravel the lies that wanted to enslave me. God has shown both of us through this journey that we truly are one in His eyes and therefore He will shine bright in the dark parts of both of us to bring us closer to Himself.