My husband and I were friends that dated on and off 6 years before we said I Do to each other. I thought I knew this guy inside and out. However, once we were married I got a front row seat to a whole show that I had no clue was there. It wrecked my world. My husband had this addiction to porn that dug so deep into how he dealt with his world.
We have been married 8 years and 6 1/2 of our married years have been spent on this rollercoaster of pornography addiction and the damage it caused. My husband choose porn at a young age and as he grew it became an escape, a way to cope with the ugly truths of this world and a way to satisfy selfish desires. I had no idea this was a big issue or how much damage it would do to me and to us. I want to share my story because I know there are so many others that are going through this same thing and don’t know how to fight it.
Yes it is embarrassing and vurnable but I have learned that I am not alone and neither are you. There is support out there.
So what happens when God says Yes and No? See I worked through the junk in my closet before I said I Do. I went through a rebellion stage and I knew that I did not want to commit to a relationship. As God continued to seek me out I began to realize that I needed to let Him heal me and I began another journey of transforming my heart and my life. So when my husband proposed I was ready and thought he was ready to dive into a marriage that we could start out growing into what we already had as this amazing friendship. I didn’t realize that while God was saying Yes this is the man I have for you that He was also saying No it’s not going to be pure bliss. I didn’t realize that getting married would be a huge test. The commitment I made to God with my life and the vows I made to my husband challenged me to the core of who I am. Can I trust God in this mess because all the sudden I couldn’t trust my husband.
So I fought. Constantly. In every way wrong way at first. Anger consumed me. I fought against God, against my husband and against myself until I started to realize this is more than just the addiction, more than just my husbands problem, it was about us being one and about my relationship with God.
Romans 12:9 says “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.” I despised my husband in the beginning and was consumed by bitterness and rage. I hated all the lies and I hated how it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Through this journey God has taught me to look past what may be right in front of me to test if my love was sincere. I realized one day that if I was going to regain any sanity I needed to look for good. My husband still had a lot of good, amazing qualities that I was missing because I was too focused on the bad. I felt like I needed to hang on to the bad because if I didn’t that would mean I was excusing the behavior. That is not true! I hated the behavior that was damaging our marriage, I knew God hated the behavior as well once I began to focus on the good that is where love shines through. When you choose to focus on the good your perspective begins to change and guess what? You begin to see your husband through Gods eyes, broken….. just like you. Grace begins to extend and you can see his need for a savior just as much as yours. God truly means that when you become married you become one flesh. The battle that you face is a battle that takes both people fighting but even if it’s just you fighting the battle there is hope in God promise of restoration. Build your army with God and he will restore all that has been lost. I believe this and I have seen this, not only in my own marriage but in the marriage of others. Marriage is worth the fight.